You're A Mean Girl...You Need To Fix That!

Or...It's been a rough week.

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"You're such a lazy person. You should get off your fat bum and do some exercise!"

"You are so focused on productivity that you are boring and unlikeable!"

A mean girl pointed both of those ugly sentences at me this week, her fisted hands perched on her hips while she shook her head at me in disgust. My anxiety danced in from stage left and performed a tumbling routine under my rib cage. It didn't matter that this mean girl had pierced my confidence with two insults that were in polar opposition to each other (I mean, am I lazy or toxically productive?)¹My logical brain screamed bloody murder, but I believed the mean girl anyway. I always believe her... at first. That is until I sit down and give myself a good talk.

You got that it's me, right?

The mean girl is me.

Being mean.

To myself.

Why do we do that?

You know what it's like when we’re mean to ourselves. The blow to your self-confidence starts to seep into everything, like sewage overflowing from a cesspit. The irony is (in addition to the fact she constantly contradicts herself) that the mean girl inner critic rarely spurs real growth; she just piles on shame or burnout and then mocks your exhausted reflection in the mirror with a sarcastic eye roll.

Here are some other mean things that my inner mean girl said to me this week (I've been having a sensitive week, I guess).

"You can't write that well, so I don't know why you are bothering with Substack."

"All these other women are better than you, so I would just give up."

"You're not a very good mother if you aren't willing to drop everything and fly 3,000 miles because your daughter had a bad day!"

"Your friends tolerate you the way they tolerate your kale smoothies, begrudgingly while grimacing."

And on and on she goes.

Did your mean girl appear out of nowhere when you were a preteen? Mine did. Do you remember looking in the mirror at twelve years old and your mean girl berating you for being so ugly and dumb? I do. I remember the sharp edge of the cold plastic sink biting into my palms while I leaned toward my reflection, absorbing my mean girl's attack.

That mean girl was cruel then, and she's cruel now. Would you ever say these words to someone else? I would not. I can be a tough love coach, but I always, always lead with compassion. So why don't we have compassion for ourselves?

You know those irreconcilable mean things my mean girl tells me? Society sends you those same contradictory instructions - echoing your mean girls ’ greatest hits. From a very early age, girls get the message to "be nice" and "be perfect." My young mind, and maybe yours, translated "perfect" to "successful in every possible way, and always looking after everyone, and never letting anyone, down, and fixing everyone's problems, and pleasing people by giving them what they need before you get what you need, and make lots of money (but not too much because you'll never find a husband if you make more than him), and never show frustration, or anger, and most definitely don't stick up for yourself." And, yes, I have spent a lifetime fighting against that conditioning, often overcompensating by being a "ballsy chick" which then led to labels that I couldn't shake (like "ballsy chick" which was said in admiration, but hides a layer of judgment).

You see, you can't balance "nice, pleasant, helpful" and "perfect and high-achieving." Society won't let you because "good girls" don't cause trouble and do as they're told.

If you do, as I often did, occasionally break down into a raging, screaming puddle of frustration and anger at the impossibility of it all, you are socially penalized. Your boss informs HR you have an anger problem; your partner calls you hysterical, and your friends back away slowly while leaving an offering of a Pinot Grigio bottle at your feet. What happens next is women internalize that negativity—turning it inward as self-blame or harsh self-talk.

Mean Girling.

Thankfully, I am my own wise woman.

I've lived a lifetime of listening to that snarky little pretentious meanie in my amygdala, and I know how to handle her. Okay, so grab your cup of tea and put on your cozy socks because I have some tips to share. If you have some, too, please share them in the comments.

Acknowledge the Mean Girl

Listen for her tone (you know, the one that sounds like Rachel McAdams). Is it belittling, sarcastic, or downright cruel?

Give your mean girl a name. Call her “Regina,” “Edna,” or "Mildred." Giving her a name and giving her an external voice gives you some distance.

Pause & Reframe

When you mean girl starts meaning, stop and take a breath. Ask yourself, “How would I speak to a friend in this situation?” or “What would be the compassionate view?” Swap out your “OMG. I’m such an idiot” for a gentler, “Oops, that went sideways, but I can fix this.”

Text yourself your reframed compassionate statement.

Adopt Micro-Affirmations

It sounds woo-woo, but this approach can genuinely help. Choose affirmations you really believe in. Instead of “I’m the best ever,” try something smaller like “I’m learning and growing, mistakes and all.”

Give yourself a high-five or a cookie when you catch your mean girl being quiet. Progress deserves celebration. To be honest, my mean girl (her name is Kristin, named after a mean girl in high school) doesn't dare show her fangs to me very often. She finds me when I am tired, overworked, or stressed about something, and I can quickly put her back in her cage. But I'm still on the journey to eliminate her entirely. And that's okay. It's not the goal of the journey that matters but the elixirs you collect along the way.

Admittedly, Kristin’s not wrong in one respect. I should peel myself off the couch this week before Netflix starts checking my pulse.

JOURNAL PROMPT

Write about your mean girl. What does she look like? What is her problem? What happened to her to make her so nasty? Okay, tough one—but can you muster some empathy for your inner meanie, even just a smidge? Write a letter to your mean girl with some of that compassion.

1. If you want to read a great article about toxic productivity, read what

Jennie O'Connor

wrote this week

Circle Up, Heroines!

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For some REAL productivity advice, you can read this…