Drowning in Doing? How To Become A Sacred Slacker

Or... All hail Phoebe Buffay

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I made an embarrassing mistake, and I should have known better.

Once a month, I host a group coaching call with heroines. The heroines submit questions, and I prepare fun exercises and explorations we can complete together on the call.

This month's question was all about energy and how to preserve it for the long haul. My main message to the group was, hey, speaking about energy as a finite source you must preserve is falling prey to that scarcity mindset. Energy, unlike money, is something we can replenish.

I suggested we reframe the question, “How do I preserve my energy for the whole journey ahead of me?” to… “How do I understand, monitor, and replenish my energy so I can keep showing up for the life I’m creating?”

I then used the three-act structure to walk us through a workbook I had created for the call to help us understand how to manage the energy needed to complete your quest. I won't share that workbook here because I made it for my paid subscribers, and that wouldn't be fair, but that's not the point of why I'm sharing this story with you.

I'm sharing this story with you because, although the workbook was transformative (a spark up the bum for energy hoarders), it was so freakin ableist of me.

As a chronic disease sufferer myself, I should know better, because the truth is there are times in life when there most certainly is a finite amount of energy available to you, and even with all of my alchemist tricks of creating energy out of thin air wouldn't work for you.

Let me be clear, I'm not talking about those days when you feel down (you can snap out of that), I'm talking about those days where your illness takes it's big, fat hand and crushes you beneath it until you are sunk so deep into your mattress that you could lay a plank across you and it wouldn't be a see-saw.

When I'm not on my magical medication (meaning when I'm in the USA and I can't afford it), I can get slammed by one of those days. A psoriatic arthritis attack is inescapable. There’s no position of comfort, only a rotating carousel of relentless pain: horizontal hurts, vertical hurts, movement hurts, stillness hurts. You can’t “power through” it. It owns your awareness. Even breathing feels like an intrusion. And the worst part? No one can see it. So you’re trapped inside a body that looks fine but is betraying you from the inside out.

An attending heroine pointed out the ableism when she reminded me that you can't "yoga" yourself into the energy that a chronic illness steals (like I said, I know better). For the sake of this post, let's call this attending heroine "Sally." As Sally rightly pointed out, you only get so many spoons with a chronic illness.

Sally was struggling on her low-spoon days. She was under siege from societal and personal expectations to remain productive (why, oh why do we do this to ourselves, why can't we give ourselves a break?), and boldly tried to redefine her approach to rest by reaching into Jungian practice (and The Heroine's Adventure work) to find a character archetype she could adopt on her low spoon days to force herself into chilling the f**k out (that's heroine speak for "relax." Sally had turned to an archetype she called "the slacker."

The slacker, as she described it, was based on characters like "The Dude" in The Big Lebowski. You can picture the archetype Sally created. The slacker lazes around the house in his bathrobe, feeling no urgency or responsibility. The slacker feels completely confident and justified in his efforts to do as little as possible. He feels no guilt or oppression of society's expectations. He just chills, relaxes, and doesn't even drain an ounce of liquid from his daily spoons.

Here's the problem: Trying to assume the slacker archetype as Sally understood it wasn't helping her. Even while trying her best to adopt the blase approach the slacker takes to life, her inner mean girl still wouldn't leave her alone.

"Rest and self-care are signs of laziness," her mean girl probably sneered (at least that's what my mean girl would say).

We heroines discussed this on the call. Why are we so insistent on productivity over health, and why didn't Sally's slacker archetype work?

I think this imagined archetype didn't work for Sally for a few reasons. Firstly, "slacker" is a terrible word with negative connotations out the wazoo. But even more relevant to why it wasn't working for Sally? These negative connotations are heavily gendered.

Where a male slacker might get away with a reputation as a lovable rogue or a misunderstood genius, a female slacker is far more likely to be seen as a mess. Lazy. Unreliable. Undesirable (think Bridget Jones before her Heroine's Adventure.) A female slacker is not rebelling against the system; she’s failing at being a woman.

You know that culturally, femininity is still tied to doing it all. A woman is supposed to be competent, responsible, emotionally available, nurturing, attractive, productive, organized, and quietly brilliant. Slacking? That’s not quirky. That’s highly irresponsible m'a’am.

Pop culture has created an entire aesthetic around male slackers—slouchy hoodies, indie soundtracks, “slacklining” as a hobby, ironic detachment. Women? Not so much.

There’s no widely accepted “cool slacker girl” archetype. If she does exist, she’s usually:

• Sexualized (the manic pixie dream girl, drifting through male narratives), or

• Punished (the single mom who can’t keep it together, the ‘hot mess’ trope)

A woman who slacks on caregiving or homemaking isn’t just lazy—she’s morally suspect.

Forget to pack your kid’s lunch? You’re not a free spirit. You’re a bad mother.

Leave the dishes? What kind of woman are you?

Slack in the workplace? You’re not resisting capitalism, you’re only proving the patriarchy right.

The truth is that the ability to "slack off" is often contingent on having someone else pick up the slack, like the "man babies" who relish in their mother's continued servitude. Women have historically been absorbing male slacking—emotionally, logistically, financially. So when a woman slacks, who catches her? No one. That’s why it feels so threatening.

Midlife women deciding to stop over-functioning—who opt out of hustle, caretaking, and say no more—are not seen as “taking a break.” They’re seen as radical. They’re treated like they’ve let themselves go. Given up. All because they’ve stopped performing the unpaid labor (physical and emotional) that keeps the system humming.

The male slacker is often romanticized, depicted as a tragic waste or a rebel without a cause. A woman slacker? Well, that's just dangerous. But here’s the twist: for a woman to consciously choose slacking, to engage in intentional underachieving as an act of reclamation? That might just be revolutionary.

Sally, the courageous heroine, under siege from societal expectations to remain active, had boldly tried to redefine what it means to rest, and attempted to shape the 'slacker' archetype to fit her narrative. However, the chains of negative connotations and male dominance in popular culture resisted this transformation.

So, as promised to Sally, today we're chucking societal expectations out the window, because we're dismantling society's outdated "slacker" stereotype and championing a new, unapologetically female archetype that celebrates self-care, authenticity, and slow living.

It's time for a new heroine archetype. One that Sally can slip over her head like her favourite fluffy robe (you know the type, with the hoodie and the bear ears). We are gonna invent that archetype right here. We're gonna call her The Sacred Slacker. Let's take that poisoned slacker framing and invert it, reclaim it, and drape it in velvet. This archetype treats slacking not as laziness but as a devotion to intuition, embodiment, and enoughness. Her resistance is subtle, sensual, and strategic. She naps with purpose. She declines with grace. She rests as refusal.

So I decided I would find a literary character from a popular novel to represent this. Now I am a huge reader with a Ph.D. in creative writing (i.e., I learned how to research), and I gave up on this after an hour. I'm sure they are out there, and if you can think of a good one, please tell me, but I ended up settling for television instead, because even if you haven't watched a "Friends" episode, surely you've heard of Phoebe Buffay.

I'm modeling my Sacred Slacker on dear Phoebe (and if you don't think she's dear, you can fight me). Phoebe lives life at her own pace and on her own terms. She demonstrates a carefree and unconventional lifestyle, focusing on her happiness and well-being rather than conforming to societal norms. Exactly what a Sacred Slacker should be.

The following features make up Phoebe, the Sacred Slacker's identity and personality. The Sacred Slacker will always...

• Embrace Individuality: Phoebe is unapologetically herself. Her friends adore her unique outlook and behavior and would never judge her because she is committed to living that way. To embrace one's individuality, quirks and all, is empowering and liberating, especially when stepping away from societal expectations of productivity and success. Sacred Slackers relish their ability to be the odd one out.

• Live Authentically: Phoebe's authenticity is one of her most defining traits, and the Sacred Slacker always lives authentically. Living authentically means making choices that align with one's true self and values, rather than performing (like one of those monkeys tied to the organ) to meet external expectations.

• Prioritize Well-being Over Conformity: Phoebe prioritizes her well-being and happiness over conforming to what others expect of her because she understands that a life without health is a tough life. The Sacred Slacker makes choices that are right for her, even if they seem unconventional to others. The Sacred Slacker focuses on what makes her feel rested and happy, rather than what society deems productive or normal.

• Cultivate Creativity and Playfulness: Phoebe's creative pursuits, like her songwriting and singing, are expressions of her inner world and emotions (even if those expressions are frankly, quite wince-worthy). Engaging in creative activities is a form of self-care and a way to express and process feelings, which is particularly therapeutic for someone dealing with chronic illness and fatigue.

• Build Meaningful Relationships: Despite her quirks, Phoebe has deep connections with her friends, who accept and love her for who she is. Fostering supportive relationships can provide emotional support and a sense of belonging, which are crucial for mental and emotional health. Sacred Slackers cultivate friendships with those who encourage her softness, authenticity, and commitment to self-care. They avoid any who might judge.

So here’s the thing. If you’re lying on your couch wrapped in a blanket, spoonless and guilt-ridden, you are not failing at life. You are a Sacred Slacker staging a quiet rebellion. You are refusing productivity performativeness. You are the heroine who’s wise enough to know that sometimes stillness is strategy.

The Sacred Slacker isn’t checked out—she’s deeply tuned in. She knows replenishment is radical. That resisting the endless grind is a kind of power. That naps can be protest. That softness is not weakness—it’s a freaking superpower.

So next time your energy is gone, your spoons are spent, and the mean girl in your head is whispering that you’re lazy, remember this:

You're not lazy. You're sacred.

You're not slacking. You're slaying.

And you're not alone—we're building a whole damn archetype for this.

The Sacred Slacker isn’t an escape. She’s a waypoint on your Heroine’s Adventure.

Honor her.

Name her.

Be her.

And if anyone gives you side-eye while you're curled up with a book, a heating pad, and zero intention of doing the dishes today?

Tell them you're deep in character development

JOURNAL PROMPT:

Where and when in your life do you need to slack intentionally?

Circle Up, Heroines!

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