How to Stop Drifting and Start Living with Purpose.

Or...Life isn't about endless joy.

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Is a life of constant pleasure truly fulfilling? Viktor Frankl didn’t think so, and neither do I. The secret to a meaningful life isn’t endless joy; it’s purpose.

In last week’s post, I included a poll that asked, “If you could instantly fix one midlife struggle, which would you choose?” 67% of you picked “Finding true purpose and direction.” I’ve been thinking about that all week, and if that was your answer, I wrote this post for you.

We’ve been driving through Europe for the past week. We spent two days visiting old friends in their new home in Deal, where the air tastes like salt and nostalgia (I spent my childhood vacations at the English seaside). We moseyed along the seafront hunting for the best ice-cream. We visited an antique market where my marvelous hubby bought me the most amazing Victorian traveling writer’s desk. Not gonna lie, I wept a little. We spent hours chatting and remembering stories of our past lives, raising our kids together in The Bahamas.

Then we spent two days wandering the tourist-drenched streets of Paris dodging the equally dangerous and pokey baguettes and selfie-sticks. We watched the world go by from bustling sidewalk cafes, admired the newly renovated Notre Dame, ate moules frites, and scoured the "papeteries" for exotic Parisian notecards to fill my new writing desk.

This week has been filled with endless joy. And yet, here I am in our glorious hotel room in Besancon, France, sitting in the dark writing to you. I set my alarm for 6:00 a.m. this morning, when I could have slept in until my husband stirred, which wouldn't be anytime soon, considering he has a rotten cold. Or, I could have woken up and wandered off to indulge in more joy (alone with my book in a French cafe and a latte, anyone?). But I didn’t. I set my alarm to have time to write this newsletter and the related journal prompt for you.

Why?

Believe me when I say that I understand how privileged I must be to say the following to you, but it’s a lesson I need to share anyway…

The truth is, pleasure without purpose can feel surprisingly empty.

When I sold my business at 45, my husband was also retired from a corporate career (he was 58). I knew that with careful planning, I could embark on whatever adventure I wanted. My husband’s idea of adventure was exactly what I outlined in our week above: travel and a dogged pursuit of joy. Fair enough. It sounds amazing. But I knew I needed more.

Even if your life isn’t full of travel or sunshine, you might still feel the hollowness of pleasure without purpose. The Netflix binges, the wine nights, the scrolling—it adds up to something… but is it meaning?

The problem isn’t having pleasure (don’t go all Scottish grandmother on me and start putting salt on your porridge the way my mother-in-law did.) Finding joy in life should always be encouraged. Unlike the messages some receive throughout childhood, happiness doesn’t equate to laziness or immorality. But relying on joy or pleasure as the sole marker of a good life would have been my fast-track to misery.

I needed purpose, meaning, and my aligned desires.

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl argued that man’s primary desire isn’t pleasure but meaning. He believed that even in the most extreme suffering, the ability to find meaning could transform the experience.

Meaning outweighs pleasure because pleasure is fleeting, yet meaning endures. Meaning provides a compass during hardship, plus pursuing a meaningful life creates an awareness beyond one’s self-involvement. It’s hard to see the broader world around you when drowning in a sea of decadence.

But here’s where I throw another spanner in the works. For years, I didn’t understand what brought me that deep, connected, soul joy in the first place. I chased after many things I thought I should want (you know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever bought a brand-name anything and regretted it while removing the packaging). I achieved things that brought me zero joy (hello, corporate recognition), but I didn’t really understand what truly made me happy for years. Desires (wants) that aren’t rooted in your real needs eventually collapse.

And as always, we know this secret because it is illustrated quite clearly in the stories we live with.

Remember the HBO show, Girls? Remember Marnie? Now Marnie knew how to have fun. We get shown that from the first episode, where she caves to her urges and gives herself a dose of “joy” in a public bathroom. The problem with Marnie is that that’s the only thing she’s about, chasing joy. Marnie keeps trying to fast-track her way to being what she wants at that moment: a pop star, wife, muse, or whatever glamorous version of herself feels easiest. Her repeated flops illustrate the chaos of chasing wants without sitting down and uncovering some underlying meaning. Some purpose.

Something greater than joy.

That’s why I teach midlife women to pursue Aligned Desires or Ultimate Whys (I use these terms interchangeably as they resonate with different people).

Aligned Desires are your wants (the things that bring you joy) that are fused with your needs (the things that give your life and character meaning).

Aligned desires are the difference between chasing and choosing.

Between exhaustion and momentum.

When you align what you want with what you need, your life stops feeling like a series of pathless paths, and starts unfolding with a destination in mind, just like a damn good story.

In The Heroine’s Adventure, we explore the concept of creating your Aligned Desires in depth (and I mean deep, like shove your hand into the stinky garbage can to find your child’s mistakenly discarded binky when she won’t go to sleep and you have to get up for 5:00 to get to work, deep).

Why? Because without this work, we don’t know who we are or what we want, and we most certainly don’t know what gives our lives meaning and purpose.

When you have uncovered and scribbled your Aligned Desires in your secret notebook, you have something magical…

• They guide you when life feels directionless.

• They help you prioritize actions and avoid distractions.

• They transform even mundane tasks into purposeful actions.

• They give your life meaning.

“Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how.'” Viktor Frankl

Here’s one of mine.

I will create a body of work to guide midlife women into Extraordinary Lives.

Now you know why I’m sitting in the dark writing a newsletter. However, I think I might hear the gentle calling of a coffee from the table in the square next door.

JOURNAL PROMPT

So here’s the thing… I could give you a journal prompt to get you started on this, or I could give you something even more. Next week, all subscribers to The Lab* will receive beta access to the new Adventure Quest called “Map Your Ordinary World: The First Step to Changing Everything.” This quest is one of the first steps toward discovering your Aligned Desires or your life’s purpose.

I’ve decided that the first FOUR modules of this six-step course (text only, no videos or worksheets) will be FREE to all subscribers (free, paid, and Lab Heroines).*

Check your email!

*This decision was guided by an Aligned Desire. 😊

Please share this post if you know someone ready to swap empty joys for a life of meaningful purpose.

Coming up for Paid Subscribers?

• The April Group Coaching Call. Where we all chat about your burning questions. I’ll be live from our summer home in Italy (we went early this year)

• This week in 52 Narrative Shifts to Reinvent Your Midlife: I’m Bad With Money!

If you want even more, you can join The Lab, aka the inner circle shaping the future of The Heroine’s Adventure. As a Lab member, you get early beta access to every course, workbook, and tool I create for free, before they become available for purchase. Your feedback (or silent lurking, no judgment) helps shape what’s next. You’ll also get behind-the-scenes insights from someone who built and sold a 7-figure business from scratch. I’ll show you the real systems, strategies, and decisions behind this adventure so that you can use them in yours.

Coming up in The Lab this week?

• Heroine’s Adventure Quest: Mining for Magic - What Your Ordinary World Wants You to Know.

  • Your Character Arc:

    • From: Stuck in your "ordinary world," unable to identify what needs changing or how to create a meaningful shift in your life.

    • To: A clear map of your desired changes, an understanding of the root causes of your challenges, and practical steps to begin authoring your transformation story.

• In Spoiler Alerts (the posts where I spill it all): a full breakdown of my Substack Notes strategy, including a backstage peek into the systems that keep my Notes humming.