Do you think it's performance? I think it's adaptation, and it's beautiful. It's what allowed us to survive (and continues to do so in corporations haha). Once I was too precious about my identity and how I showed up in the world. It didn't do much for me. When I learned to adapt, meeting the other halfway, mirroring who they are, my relationships became much better. I love your reflection. I think we can be multiple!
You're right that adaptation is a skill, and an underrated one (I didn’t take 6 years of Meisner training for nothin!). And you're right that being too precious about identity can be its own kind of rigidity (and not very interesting at dinner parties).
But here's where I think the distinction lives: chosen adaptation versus compelled adaptation. The woman who modulates because she's genuinely curious about the person she's talking to (listening, responding, meeting them where they are), is a skill. The woman who modulates because she's terrified of what happens if she doesn't is the ghost I'm writing about.
Can we be multiple? Absolutely. But we need a self to bring to the multiplicity. That's the part we maybe lose track of.
Thanks for being so vulnerable! I have definitely experienced this as energy matching. Whatever the other person puts out I mirror that back. I’ve lost myself and my POV because of this so many times.
Margo, "energy matching" is exactly the right phrase for it, and honestly more precise than what I wrote. It's almost involuntary, right? By the time you notice you're doing it, you're already three conversational moves deep and fully in their register.
Do you think it's performance? I think it's adaptation, and it's beautiful. It's what allowed us to survive (and continues to do so in corporations haha). Once I was too precious about my identity and how I showed up in the world. It didn't do much for me. When I learned to adapt, meeting the other halfway, mirroring who they are, my relationships became much better. I love your reflection. I think we can be multiple!
Sil, compelling counterview!
You're right that adaptation is a skill, and an underrated one (I didn’t take 6 years of Meisner training for nothin!). And you're right that being too precious about identity can be its own kind of rigidity (and not very interesting at dinner parties).
But here's where I think the distinction lives: chosen adaptation versus compelled adaptation. The woman who modulates because she's genuinely curious about the person she's talking to (listening, responding, meeting them where they are), is a skill. The woman who modulates because she's terrified of what happens if she doesn't is the ghost I'm writing about.
Can we be multiple? Absolutely. But we need a self to bring to the multiplicity. That's the part we maybe lose track of.
Thanks for being so vulnerable! I have definitely experienced this as energy matching. Whatever the other person puts out I mirror that back. I’ve lost myself and my POV because of this so many times.
Margo, "energy matching" is exactly the right phrase for it, and honestly more precise than what I wrote. It's almost involuntary, right? By the time you notice you're doing it, you're already three conversational moves deep and fully in their register.
Yes 💯
I’m not aware that I do this, but I notice my husband does usually with people that have an accent of some sort. I find it so odd.