The Power of Flashbacks: How To Learn From Past Mistakes

Or... The phone call is coming from inside the house!

You know how in a book or a movie, the main character is about to do something really stupid, and you, as the reader/viewer, are like, what the hell are you about to do that for?

You know, like, it’s a horror movie or something, and the main character is about to go into a room you know they shouldn’t enter because obviously a man with a mask and an axe waits inside. I mean, they’ve seen horror movies, right? The blond bombshell ignores her intuition and turns that handle anyway.

Don’t do it, silly! The phone call is coming from inside the house!!

She dies, of course.

Why do we ignore the lessons our past mistakes are trying to teach us? Flashbacks aren’t just memories—they’re the missing manual for a better future.

The blond bombshell could have used a flashback. They say that hindsight is twenty/twenty (and why do I always think that the “they” in this case is an ophthalmologist?) So, if we can see the events/mistakes of our past clearly and understand what we should have done differently, then why aren’t we flashing back all the time and using these memories as a teaching tool to avoid the future mistakes we’re about to make? Because life doesn’t come with spoiler alerts. But, Heroines, our past flubs are like the emails that popped back into our inbox after we snoozed them because we didn’t know what to do with them. Annoying but necessary. When recounted, analyzed, and documented, our flashbacks advise us on what not to do in the sequel (a.k.a. our future).

I need to make a horrible confession, and I hope you don’t hate me afterward. In high school, I was desperate to be liked, or more specifically, to be popular. My self-esteem was non-existent. I just knew that if I became popular, I would be confident and gloriously happy. I would always be ready with the snappy comeback line that would make people giggle. I wouldn’t blush in front of the football players, and I would know exactly when to toss my hair and what color scrunchy to wear around my wrist.

In junior year, I got a popular boyfriend. This instantly shoved me into the popular crowd as the square peg I was (and believe me, that crew made a perfectly round hole). When hanging with this crowd, I was neither confident nor happy. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I was hiding in a corner and on the verge of tears in case Keira commented on my outfit (I couldn’t afford The Limited), or Sarah told me I needed cream or my flaky elbows (you can’t cream away psoriasis). Every party or hangout would have been bearable and not nearly as mortifying if my best friend had been with me. She even offered.

I can write this flashback in vivid detail. We were at the lunch table in the cavernous high-school cafeteria, dry chicken nuggets and sloppy apple sauce uneaten before us. There was the clatter of trays being chucked into the bussing bins and the unlucky teachers who drew lunch duty, telling off the students trying to sneak into the smoking courtyard without a parental permission slip (yes, we had a smoking courtyard. It was the eighties.) My new popular ‘friends’ were a year older than us and had a different lunch period. So, on this day, it was just me and my best friend back with the ‘uncool’ crowd because of necessity. I can’t remember our exact words, but it went something like this...

Best friend: “What are you up to this weekend?”

Me: “Oh, Norman’s having a party at his house. His parents are letting the band play.”

Best friend: “That sounds fun. Can I come with you?”

Me: “Oh, I don’t think so. I don’t think you would feel comfortable.” (projecting much?)

This flashback played in my head for years and years (as it should: punishment for being an awful person), but did I accept the lesson my memory was attempting to teach? No. Over the years, I have done many things against my best judgment, all in an effort to be liked. I’ve dumbed myself down, smothered my weirdness, gone to that bar I hated, and gossiped about someone I liked. Where are my fellow recovering people pleasers? Can I hear a “whoop, whoop!”

What I should have done, probably while still a teenager, is question why that specific flashback was haunting me. What was the lesson? Like, don’t be mean to your best friend, who, incidentally, is the longest person to love me for exactly who I am (forty-two years.)

The blond bombshell must have had a Freddie Kreuger flashback before she opened that door! Why didn’t she listen?

Because just like those snoozed emails that are too painful to deal with, we ignore the messages our brain sends our way.

One gift midlife bestows on women, like the good witch gliding down with the ruby slippers, is the knowledge that it doesn’t matter if people like you. You’ll find your tribe, and when you do, they’ll like you even if you are an insecure geek (like my best friend loves me). As Glinda says, “You had the power all along.”

So, why not make your past mistakes your most loyal advisors? Think of them as that quirky aunt who shows up uninvited, spilling family secrets, but hands you a twenty on departure.

Ever wonder why your brain replays those cringe-worthy moments on loop? It’s time to hit ‘play’ and learn from your horror movie highlights. Yes, there is a reason your brain replays those embarrassing, sometimes shameful, moments again and again. In story, flashbacks teach us essential information we need to know about the characters. In life, flashbacks teach you the essential information you need to know about yourself.

Information like, you can’t live an extraordinary life if you’re a people pleaser. Or, honey, you’ll die if you open that damn door!

JOURNAL PROMPT:

This one is a weeklong prompt, for sure. For some of these memories, when they aren’t flashing back, you’ve buried them. Let’s create a “Flashback List.” Are there specific moments in your life that replay in your head? Write it down, and write an exploration of how it felt like a horror movie moment. Dig deep. Be honest. Why is this popping up? What is it trying to teach you? Then, journal what you learned—or should have learned from that flashback. How will you use this blockbuster knowledge to aid in your next transformation?

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