Am I Being Unreasonable?

Or... Why can't we need.

Midlife is the plot twist. Essays & guides for women reclaiming their identity, creativity, and agency. The structure of fiction is the structure of transformation, and we write through it together, one prompt at a time. Subs get FREE Heroine’s Guide.

Am I being unreasonable?

I wonder how many times I’ve asked this? I wonder how many times you’ve asked this? I wonder how many times every woman on this planet has ever asked this. I think it would be billions, with a “B.”

It’s that 3am text you send to your bestie when your husband is snoring in the next room after refusing to come to bed after that latest fight. It’s the opening line of every therapy session; your therapist has probably written it on her annoying little pad before it’s even out of your mouth. It’s the question I’ve been asking myself the past few weeks over a stand I’ve taken that is proving to be, well, unpopular.

“Am I being unreasonable?” is camouflage (ugly, dirty camouflage, not the stylish pink kind) slapped over a hidden need. Instead of being brave enough to state exactly what we need from those around us, we pre-convict ourselves as “guilty” of... what? Self-indulgence, selfishness, just completely and totally wrong? All we do when we ask that poisonous question is convince ourselves that any of our needs require external permission to even exist.

I don’t think men do this to themselves. I think men clearly state their needs and only ever defend them if challenged. Have you been watching MAFS Australia? There is a peach of a man on that show, who stated clearly and without apology that the woman he was matched with wasn’t good enough for him, because she has too much masculine energy. He needs to have a woman who is submissive. Submissive. Did he apologize for wanting that? Did he ask the experts if he was being unreasonable? Nope. Absolutely not.

I wonder how many women would wonder if their reaction to wanting a man who wouldn’t tell them they have too much masculine energy was being unreasonable. Apparently this asshat’s partner does, because she sticks around to see if she can change his mind.

I don’t know about you, but I have often run an internal tribunal before anyone else weighs in on my unreasonable question, and I mostly convict myself before anyone else weighs in.

I’m leaving this weekend for my home in The Bahamas. I’ve had this home for eighteen years. We raised our daughter there. We’ve hosted practically every one of our friends and family there. It’s such a special place, and we are selling it. The thought of letting this house go has me breaking out in hives and hyperventilating regularly. It’s only a house, but it has a part of my soul. However, it’s time to let go. But knowing that this is true doesn’t make the parting any easier. We have a few months left before we close, and the house is passed on to a lovely couple with a gorgeous family for a new life with them. It’s a happy thing, but I’m freaking out.

I want my loved ones to come and experience the house one last time before it sells, but I only want my loved ones. I don’t want anyone in the house for these final weeks that I don’t know well. I don’t want to entertain, or host, or worry about other people’s enjoyment. I want the house to be filled with meaningful goodbyes. This means saying no to the sister-in-law who wants to bring a party of my niece’s friends, and even to my daughter, who asked if one of her besties could come too.

Am I being unreasonable?

Even if I’m not, and I’m not, am I? I still lose. I lose, because even I don’t believe I have the right to express my request as a clear, unadulterated need. So I hum and hah, and spend hours explaining and apologizing, and even though I get my way in the end because this is so important to me, I still don’t feel heard. And the “not feeling heard” part is on me. I can’t complain about not expressing a need and then wondering why people can’t guess that I have one.

In my menopausal, witchy, wise woman wisdom, I have uncovered three patterns of behavior that show up again and again in my morning pages. Three ways I’ve been complicit in my own silencing. Three reasons I’ve convinced myself that my needs are not even legitimate unless I can prove they don’t inconvenience anyone.

The Support Unit Pattern. Over the years, I’ve accidentally organized myself as the 100% support unit in my closest relationships. I’m here for you, not the other way around. I’ve done that. I’ve built my relationships around that idea. But this pattern has no mechanism, or space, for my own needs. So when I have a real need, I can’t just state it directly and expect those around me to act as my support unit and make sure it’s met. (Again, my fault — I set it up this way.) Instead, I expend endless energy gathering the external forces to build a case for why my need might be reasonable. The need gets buried in justification.

The Barometer. Ugh. I wish I didn’t have to admit this, but I do. I have a long history of measuring my own worth through others’ approval. My internal sense of okayness is calibrated to how others are reacting to me. I can’t be okay if my daughter is upset with me. I just don’t function that way. (Working on it. Slowly.)

The Self-Indulgence Lie. The lie I’ve been telling myself, for years, apparently, is that wanting to be seen, wanting things for myself, feeling my own needs, is culturally unacceptable. Like it’s selfish. Like it’s self-indulgent. Like women who need things are somehow... too much.

All three of these patterns circle the same invisible cost. The same buried truth.

“Am I being unreasonable?” is not really a question. It’s a symptom. It’s a clue that somewhere in your body, there is an unexpressed need. That need is the thing worth finding. So instead of going out into the icky feeling world of external validation, turn inward and ask yourself the question that actually matters:

“What need am I ignoring?”

JOURNAL PROMPT

Think of the last time you asked "am I being unreasonable?" What was the case you were building? Now strip it away. What was the need underneath it you couldn't quite bring yourself to say out loud?

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